Oh, Great Temptation

I love cheesecake. I have mad love affairs with cheesecake. Crazy romances with cheesecake. Cheesecake and I have been in love for many years. We've loved each other through the turmoil of high school, the mid-term stresses of college, the hormonal rollercoaster of pregnancy and finally, we are trying to work on a relationship through the rites of motherhood.

I decided today that I need cheesecake. Afterall, I've behaved myself for quite sometime and am down 2.2 lbs. I told cheesecake, "Cake," (we're on a first name basis) "if you can behave yourself I'm willing to let you back in. There can be no more calorie laden magic moments however, we need to be in control. We need to practice some restraint. I'll bring the fork if you bring your self in a new outfit. I need you to come dressed in zero calorie, no sugar, fat free duds. I, in turn will make mad, satisfying love to you. I will savor every lick and taste. Sounds good?"

And so cake came, dressed to the nines as requested. Unfortuantely, neither I (nor apparently Jello pudding) could keep up our ends of the deal. Cake was less than satisfying. Cake tasted much like what I imagine Jackson's butt paste diaper rash cream would taste like if I put it on a graham cracker. Oh my heart - it broke. I was looking forward to an indulgent rendevous and instead walked away with an empty mouth and heart.

Little did I know that cake wasn't satisfied either. He hurriedly grabbed his new duds, dashed out the door and flew with amazing speed for a dairy based dessert to my mother's house where he convinced my grandmother to give him a new suit. A new, calorie laden, full fat, white granular sugared outfit that was designed to tease and tempt.

I looked. I gasped. I breathed in deep. My heart beat a little bit faster and I leaned forward and sniffed. Heavenly.

And slowly, ever so slowly I backed away.

I'm sorry cake - I want you so badly but I just can't. I have to be true to myself - I can't have you and everything else I want. Perhaps, perhaps another day, another time. It's not you, it's me. Perhaps we can visit again in February, for valentines day. Just for old times sake. But let's part friends cake. It's better for you and it's better for me. I need you to be something that you cannot be and so we must part ways.

I'll look forward to seeing you again. Until then, please don't call, don't visit and don't drop by.

Adieu.

Tuesday Weigh In

I'm pleased to report I'm down 2.2 lbs!

Oh yeah!

Oh yeah - I fit into my size 8 pants today!!!!

Weight Watchers Core Plan

So after many years on the Weight Watchers Flex Plan I've decided to move over and try Core. To understand the differences it's best to get an overview of each program.

Flex: You are assigned a certain number of points per day that are derived from a top-secret weight watchers calculation based on your current weight/age/activity level/gender. Each food has a point value assigned to it and you deduct it from your daily points. You also get 35 extra points each week to allow for going over your daily points.

Core: The core plan has no points. Instead you have a list of high fiber, minimally processed, low fat foods that you can eat from. The idea is that you can basically eat as much as you want but only when you are truly hungry and stopping when you are satisfied. You also get an additional 35 pts to use for items that are not on your list of approved core foods (i.e., the cheetos which are definately not high fiber good for you foods)

So I've switched to Core for a couple of reasons - primarily I'm bored with Flex. I've been doing it for a long time and wasn't finding it to be motivating. Secondly - with two boys at home under the age of 2 it's a bit hard to calculate every bite I put into my mouth. Just having a list of foods I know I can eat until I'm satisfied makes it much easier to make it through the day.

I'm on day 2 and it's going pretty well. I'm motivated and trying new recipes and just having a grand ol' time (as far as dieting goes)

Conversations

Yesterday Jackson, Jacob and I went with my mom to the dentist. Grandma was getting a tooth extracted so she needed someone to drive her to the office and back.

The boys were troopers - it was a LONG appt and there were very few toys for them to play with (mental note to self - always pack the portable DVD player). Jackson got a little feisty towards the end and stopped listening so I got down to his level, cupped his little chin so he paid attention to me and said in my best mommy is in control voice "Jackson, mama said 'no', do we have to have a conversation about listening?". He shook his head no and that was the end of that.

However, the security guard was watching and I swear, she was ready to call CPS on my butt if I so much as moved a little blond hair on his head. Now I"m not a big spanker or anything (in fact, if Jackson said he wanted a "conversation" with me, I'm not really sure what I would do) but I'm fairly sure it'd be a lot less painful than if he fell down the stairs which I what I was telling him not to play near.

Sometimes I think that people are so quick to jump on the "don't punish your children" bandwagon that they forget that if we don't give them boundaries much worse things are likely to happen than a sore butt or a "conversation".

So the weigh in wasn't too bad - 153.6. Not catastrophic but not great either.

On a plus note - I just saw these pictures of myself from last Sunday and I can honestly say I don't look too shabby.

It's Tuesday - time to weigh in. Crap.

This is my 3rd time on Weight Watchers. Obviously there is a pattern here but it's a positive one. Weight Watchers actually works! In 2004 I lost quite a bit of weight - 157 lbs down to a low of 122 and I kept it off for 2 1/2 years until I got pregnant with Jackson.

In 2007 I went from a high of 185 (delivery day with Jackson) to a low of 138 when surprise!, I got pregnant with Jacob. I delivered Jacob on June 22nd of this year at a high of 195 and am currently sitting right around 150.

Ideally I'd like to be right around 130 so I have about 20 more lbs to go. The problem is, this time the weight is just sticking to me. Also - for some reason my will power bites. The first time I lost the weight I was so gung-ho! I never had "bad" days, I rarely used my freebie flex points and I consistantly dropped 2-3 lbs a week. This time around its an uphill struggle and I'm not quite sure what the difference is... I don't want to be stuck at this weight - first off it's not healthy, second off - it's pretty unflattering on my somewhat compact little 5'4 frame.

I'm debating if perhaps I'm overloading myself? I have a goal to run a 1/2 marathon in March and I can barely struggle through 2 miles now (YIKES!) and I want to get down to 130 plus, I have 2 children under the age of 2. I might be a bit ambitious - but I want to believe in myself. The problem is, I can't make myself believe that I really believe...

"When she started teaching 31 years ago, she says, "I could make objective observations about my kids without parents getting offended. But now we handle parents a lot more delicately. We handle children a lot more delicately. They feel good about themselves for no reason. We've given them this cotton-candy sense of self with no basis in reality. We don't emphasize what's best for the greater good of society or even the classroom."

I am disturbed and concerned. Please don't berate my children for being children but don't handle them with kid-gloves. Help them become the people we know they can become not the people we fear that might become.

Because somewhere along the way I stopped believing that I could do amazing things...

I don't know why - but this just made me happy.

Gotta...

I've gotta get in shape. I'm mean, I'm in shape - it's just not a shape I want to own long term.

Current Shape - Kinda round, definately soft and cushy. Belly tends to "slosh" to one side when I lay down on my side. Standing up? Tummy definately hangs down. Love handles? Oh yeah - those hang down over my hips too. The other day I lifted them up with my hands and GASP, actually saw my hips and pondered what it would look like if I didn't have to hold up the love handles and they actually disappeared.

Desired Shape - Slightly rounded, femmy with a little bit of "I could kick your booty if I needed to - or at least put up a good fight". The tummy should still be a bit soft for Jack to lay his little head on - 'cause, let's be honest, mama's should be a bit squishy.

Goal: Get to desired shape and weight (130) by Jan 1. That's only 20 lbs... I can do this right? Oh, I'm motivated to get motivated...how do I get motivated? It's like I want that hot designer purse, I'm motivated to have it on my little arm but I lack the dedication to save for it. I'm a loser...and I want to lose weight...will the ironies never cease?